Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Temptation, Wish I Had Some

You know, its really easy to be virtuous when you don't have any reason not to be.

I'd love to write about my interesting sex life, but I don't have one. I deeply admire and follow many sexblogs. But I've been married a long time, and that does tend to kill things off a bit. And having a bipolar barely functioning most of the time spouse doesn't help either.

But for a long time, no one has thrown themselves at me. And I have never been any damn good at being the hunter. Me, I wanna be seduced, not be the seducer. I've done it, but took very little pleasure in it. Seducing was bad enough. Hiring a prostitute is impossible: if convincing someone to like you is hard and unpleasant work, greatly reducing the joy in the pay off, paying someone to pretend they like you is a place that I just can't understand.

Its odd, one of the comforts I have in this desert, is that I had a pretty active, adventurous, and exciting sex life for a few years before I settled down. I don't feel that I've missed out on anything, because I did almost everything. Enough to have learnt, that all cats are pretty much grey in the dark, and that the more elaborate a fantasy is, the more work the logistics become. And that the less grounded they are, the more anxiety and doubt they produce.

What I really miss, is not the wild crazy sex, which is actually kinda stressful, but the not being an object of desire. I was, once, to a limited degree. But in over a decade now nobody has even gotten close to offering a hookup (tho twice I've had women apologizing for not being able to do so, for one reason or another, which was comforting). Then, I used to be able to be virtuous and say no. I'm not sure I could any more. So its probably good that it doesn't happen. But I sure do miss it.

I guess its this: I'm a little on the lonely side. I am highly desired and successful professionally (tho my chosen profession pays poorly, albeit with great personal rewards). I am not particularly successful on the interpersonal relationship side. I don't really like people, unless they like me a great deal. And there aren't all that many of those. I wish there were more.

Simply put, I'd like to be offered some temptation, without working at it; get it just because I am actually attractive. But I guess I'm not. Rich middle-aged men might be, I suppose. I'd have no trouble with women finding my money attractive, any more than anything else about me. But I don't have that either.

Perhaps the problem is that I don't actually care and devote attention to anything about me, I'm just so focussed on success in what I do. Narcisism is actually a pretty good route to getting laid, perhaps.

On the other hand, one must allow for the possibility that most women are Good, and see that wedding ring on my finger, and therefore do not pursue me. I don't really buy it, but its possible.


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