Monday, July 25, 2005

Nerves

Sometimes you step on someone's (invisible to you) raw nerve, without meaning to, without even understanding it was there, and you get a pretty strong reaction. But you can't put the smoke back in the cigarette, can you.

I seem to be having a bit of a hard time recently, on too many different fronts at once. Here are a few of them:

I have a most valued employee, who looks burnt out and about to quit on me. Its too bad, I love her for herself, aside from the major and almost irreplaceable contribution she makes. And I don't quite know what to do. But I have to do something. I asked too much of her and she stepped up to a plate that was maybe too big and too soon for her. But I really didn't have any choice. Well, I have to do something, once I figure out what it might be. I just can't lose her.

I belong to a board of directors of an organization, and suddenly we have deep and nasty politics going on, and I'm not sure why. I've surely taken some major body blows on the matter, even though I am not sure that I am more than an incidental target. I'm just too sunny a personality in some ways, I always assume the best of everybody and am so shocked when people actually turn out to have malicious motives. Or get violent when I inadvertently step on a nerve. Because of my big mouth. And one of my colleagues clearly does not have the best motives, I think it might go beyond me having said something stupid. I wish I knew which one, and what I could do to make them a friend again.

A discussion board I belong to has taken a nasty turn. I'm not one of the players in the flamewar, though I've taken some collateral damage, but it pisses me off no end, I really don't know why people act this way. I really don't know why people act that way.

And then I privately asked what seemed to me a pretty innocent question of someone I admire, and got very publically tarred and feathered and hung out to dry, and quite the angry lynch mob assembled.

I dunno, maybe I should just go back to writing poetry for myself, and stop trying to participate in the world.

Then I remember Charles. And Idris.

What they taught me, is, you actually can save people, if you take the time to listen, and have the patience to let them find their own way. And then they teach you so much. Idris was the wisest man I ever met. Charles was probably the strongest. Both, in their own ways, really did not fit into this world, and had a lot of trouble.

Once I understood that they were survivors, who would somehow live no matter what I did, I was able to turn a few keys, undo or cut through a few Gordian knots with them.

Everyone, in their horrible misdirected and mis-spent life, will probably save at least one other person at some point, even inadvertently. But for me, it was a drug, and I wanted it and I still want more. And I think I've done more good than harm in my life, though surely I've done both. Thats what my dad told me to do, and Pops, I've done my best, whilst trying to do things, not be a spectator.

I am famous, in my industry, for insisting that we talk about love. Because we are in human services, in family services, it is fundamental, its the elephant in the room. And I for one am not willing to leave it nameless and invisible. Mostly the system regards it as a fault, because we all love inappropriately, stupidly, dangerously. But it is also what makes us what we are, and gives us so much of our strength. And we all do it, we all love, every misbegotten bastard one of us. Compassion is in seeing that, thats what compassion is, I think.

I think the biggest reason I have had some success in life, is that I'm not scared. No, I am very scared, I am and have been scared all my life. But I don't let it take me. I don't let it shape me. I don't let it become me. Fear, is I think, the worst thing in the world, and leads to do the worst things we do. I won't let it. I will remember love, and love, and remember with love.

No fear, I will face it all, and not serve my fears, only let them serve me. Fear is my energy, not to be denied, but not to be my master. I will not have it.

Well this has gone completely off the rails.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Got Drunk

I seem to have pissed alot of people off. Not in person, but then I logged on. Apparently I type nastier than I speak.

So sorry, everyone. Very very sorry. I've been a bad boy, and I know it, in so far as I can recall it.

I'm really pretty nice in person. And boy, does my head hurt right now, so I am suffering for it, you've got yours back if I dissed you I suppose.

Got to go throw up now.

Cheers

Monday, July 04, 2005

Girl School

My daughters are in middle school. They deal with politics so intense it would make Paul Martin take pause.

Here's the scenario: girl A (the Anonymous source) tells girl B (the go Between) that girl C (the Companion) was heard to declare that she only hangs with girl D (my Daughter) because she is friends with girl E (Effervesntly cool girl) but that they both really hate her because she is some kind of skank. And girl A asks girl B not reveal to girl D that she was the source of this. Much upset and girl conclaving takes place.

You think grownups would be past this sort of thing, wouldn't you?

Not in my office.

Fuck.